The Killer Curiosity.

A recent post concluded that feeding ones appetite for curiosity leads to a satisfactory sense of fatness. Today's entry in my disjointed virtual journal will consider whether being too curious can result in death.

I am feeling rather melancholy today. The offer Mr S made on a 3 bed semi has been accepted. I accompanied him to a succession of viewings last night and one in particular stood out: recently renovated and tastefully decorated; attached garage with potential use as bike workshop; convenient location for school and kids' friends; garden with patio area for barbecues; open view over valley.

This show of financial commitment makes our separation seem a lot more definite and I'm saddened by the idea that our 13 year marriage is all but over. The thought of my children's future step mum keeps popping into my head yet when I try to imagine how I'll feel about her, I draw a blank. I can't seem to picture life that far into the future, then I wonder if that scenario might happen sooner than I'd expected. I wish I could fast forward to that time to find out what my gut feeling would be towards my husband with another woman. By then though, it might be too late. Like many men, Pots isn't one to sit around moping over a woman. Once he's made the decision to move on, that's exactly what he'll do.

I know I'm being naive believing that we may remain good friends. We have always had and still have a strong friendship, however, although that is a good basis for a successful marriage, I fear it is not enough. He's a red blooded male and I love him enough to provide him with an escape route from a sexless relationship. I can't promise that my sexual desire for him will ever return and I feel I've kept him waiting long enough already. He calls it 'throwing the baby out with the bath water', him being the baby and the bath water representing my issues.

I'd hoped that, with Lee withdrawing himself from my life, I'd have more time to concentrate my thoughts and actions on saving my own marriage yet I've felt so devoid of any emotion, I've hardly even had the inclination to try. The mental torture suffered over the last 4 years has beaten me down so far that I have no fighting spirit left. You could say that my inquisitive nature was the catalyst to it all. My almost obsessive need to know. My being 'obsessed by another bloke'.........' brain washed'...........'taken for a fool'. The actions I took to satisfy my curiosity caused so much damage. By talking secretly to Lee, I destroyed Pots' trust in me; confiding in my Internet 'friend' put my loyalty to my husband in question; the ad I placed on Gumtree to find out Lee's true identity made me look like a stalker, as did the phone call to his office when I finally tracked him down.

The consequences of my curiosity have been tragic. Lee often boasted that he knew 'how to press my buttons' but the question is, did he really intend to deploy the one marked 'destroy marital bliss'? When I look back at jealous comments he made in the early days, I do wonder.

I trusted Lee intimately which was quite a big deal for me. To have that thrown back at me was soul destroying and killed off a huge part of my trusting nature. When I consider the compromising positions I put myself in for him, I feel sick with shame and stupidity. It all adds to the overwhelming guilt I live with each day. All nails in the coffin of my former, happy life.