Out of Focus

I've had one of those wobbly days today, where everything seems to blurr. The hours have passed as a jumbled haze of actions and emotions, I can't focus my mind and my vision is obscured by the tears in my eyes.

Yesterday's positivity and pride in myself must have ebbed away during the night, because by morning, I was intent on losing some dignity. Was it curiosity that got the better of me, or could it be boredom? I did miss one of my happy pills, so perhaps I was delusional thinking that hearing his voice would make me feel better. I've already unsuccessfully analysed all the reasons why I decided to call him, but I did it, and that's that.

So, now I feel even more like a stalker. Not content with the humiliation of unanswered e-mails in my Sent Items folder, I've now shown myself to be a needy, obsessive, fruit the loop. I don't know what I hoped to achieve by calling him, but I was compelled to.

I desperately want to be able to hate him; it would make things so much easier. I half expected him to be cold and angry towards me when he answered, even though he's never acted like that with me before. The conversation, however was polite, honest ( I think) and amiable. He questioned why I couldn't move on with my life without him in it. I asked how his feelings for me could diminish so significantly, that he could happily live the rest of his life without any contact from me.

I couldn't answer his question. His reply to mine was that he had made a decision to save his marriage, which meant ceasing contact with me. If I thought that he could be living in marital bliss, were it not for my intermittent intrusions, it would be easier for me leave him be. I know it's not my job to, but I worry about him. I can see the sadness and it frustrates me that I can't be there to cheer him up with a hug or a cheese and pickle sandwich.

I miss him. I miss his humour, his calmness, his sarcasm, his appreciation, his determination. I mourn the hours we spent putting the world to rights, taking the piss out of each other and generally just enjoying each others' company.