Time is a great healer

It wasn't so long ago that my mum used these words to reassure me. She could plainly see the hurt and anguish Lee was causing as long as I was still in contact with him. If I took her advice to cut all ties with him I would, she promised, soon be wondering what it was I ever saw in him.

Deep down, I sensed she was right, but I struggled with making that break. I've never been a great believer in burning bridges, however I knew that in order to put an end to the cycle Lee's half-baked apologies & excuses and my acceptance of/ forgiveness for them, I had to light the touchpaper. Perhaps using his wife as the ignition point was unfair, but as he'd never stuck to the rules, I felt justified.

It's been 9 months now since I brought things to a head and, although I'm not particularly proud of myself for the way I went about things, I realise that it was the only way to force Lee's head out of the sand. All around him desert storms were raging, yet he continued to bury himself so deep that I feared he would eventually suffocate.

Looking back at our relationship, I can see how I had ended up feeling asphyxiated. In the early days, talking to Lee was like a breath of fresh air. I guess the problems started when he kept insisting on turning that air blue with constant requests for me to watch him masterbate. The first time I conceded was more out of curiosity than anything. Maybe I was looking for proof that he was as Jewish as he claimed. His circumsized willy was, he claimed, for my eyes only. When I saw it again, unbeknown to him, I was using a different name (by this time I had created a new profile in UK Chatterbox). I did feel like a naive fool, and slightly jealous if I'm honest, but I figured that as a single guy, slightly lacking in terms of physical appearance, he had to take it where he could get it.

The idea of someone relieving his sexual frustration all over the desk in his back office is made sadder when you realise that the wanker in question has a wife of 2 years at home. I'd be mortified to think of my husband spending our honeymoon period in this way. It'll come as no surprise to learn that I fell for the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' line when Lee finally confessed to her existence. It's no wonder she didn't understand him. She barely knew him and the secret life he lead.

Obviously I didn't divulge Lee's more sordid actions when I contacted Miriam, I spared him that humiliation. I could've sent transcripts of all the things he said he'd like to do with me, but knowing that his wife has issues about her body, I didn't think it would do much for her self esteem.

During one of the last conversations I had with Lee he claimed that in spite of everything, he was glad he'd met me. I helped him. I made him see how a marriage should and can be and now he was taking steps put right his own. I'm glad I had my uses.

The burning smell of the bridge I had set alight left a bitter aftertaste. What I had believed to be a genuine friendship was coming to an end and I couldn't help feeling cheated. I searched for positive things that our relationship had given me but failed to find anything of great significance. I'd sent birthday cards, Christmas presents and a gift for his new born son, I'd welcomed him into my life, introduced him to my friends, been patient and forgiving but what did I get in return? I'll tell you. A few nice words which, it turned out, he only meant 'at the time'.

It took Lee a matter of weeks to recover from the feeling that he loved me and realise that I wasn't The One he professed me to be. Granted, it's taken longer for the wounds he inflicted on me to heal but, ironically, with the help of one of his friends, I'm well on the road to recovery.

Mr E

I sense a new reader. Best start writing again.

To the ghost readers of the ethereal writer......

......, welcome. I don't know how you finally ended up here but I'm always glad to receive new visitors. x

Dying for Spring

I feel dead inside. I'm just waiting for my body to catch up with my soul.

Betrayal

I was conscious that throughout this whole sorry 'affair', everyone has suffered feelings of betrayal, everyone apart from Lee that is. I thought it only fair that he too should experience the hurt that it causes, after all, it is impossible to have empathy with our loved ones until we have walked in their shoes.

I am disappointed in myself for stooping so low but I am learning to only give respect where it is due. After almost 4 years of being taken for a fool , lied to and ignored, I don't feel that Lee deserves any more of my respect.

Contemplation

If I don't write, I fear I'll do something stupid. I feel ready to explode but have to keep a lid on it for the kids' sake. When my phone vibrated during a lesson, to signal an incoming text, my curiosity got the better of me again. Pretending to check the time, I took a sneaky look at the message: ' please call me urgently re. available house buying funds'. I wish I hadn't bothered as it meant missing my break to call Pots. Clueless as to the whereabouts of all the relevant bank statements, he had to be guided through the house, by me, to locate them.

It annoys me that he's never bothered to help manage the home economics. I'm used to the idea that I'm expected to know the location of every sock, cleaning material, book or useful phone number in the house, however I resent being responsible for all things money related too.

By the time I arrived (late) at my next lesson, I was on the verge of tears. I'd stopped briefly to talk to Ali, who'd heard the tail end of my phone call and had asked how things were going. I'd been quite calm and matter of fact at first, but her sympathetic look and kind words tipped me over the edge. Damn.

The day has been getting steadily worse since then. I came home at lunch time to cry in private, only to find Pots' car on the drive. Sometimes it seems he's everywhere I turn. I feel hemmed in, suffocated and it's always more stifling at the weekend.

For two days each week, I face the reality of my life without distraction. Work provides me with a welcome escape from the sadness I feel at home. My whole existence feels to be in limbo and the pressure of the major decisions which rest on me is, quite honestly, too much to take. As I can't contemplate any sort of happy future for myself I have been considering the alternatives.

Agnosticism proves to be quite useful here because it means I don't have major moral issues about suicide. I know it's the coward's way out and I feel guilty that the loved ones I'll leave behind may suffer feelings of self-blame or loss. I'll be sure to remind them of my stubbornness in the note I leave. When I've made my mind up about something, I become unyielding. I'll also point out how their lives will be richer in my absence - it'll be my way of doing a bit of counselling from beyond the grave.

Pots will be able to enjoy living with his children in a mortgage free home, free to find a woman who will love him like he deserves to be loved. Pinky and Perky will be saved from their Mum's voice of doom, which thwarts them from dawn til dusk. Lee will have his dirty secrets taken to the grave, and will be able to enjoy life with his family without 'distraction'. I wonder, should a schedule a Moonpig card to be sent to him or Misriam, announcing my departure?

The Killer Curiosity.

A recent post concluded that feeding ones appetite for curiosity leads to a satisfactory sense of fatness. Today's entry in my disjointed virtual journal will consider whether being too curious can result in death.

I am feeling rather melancholy today. The offer Mr S made on a 3 bed semi has been accepted. I accompanied him to a succession of viewings last night and one in particular stood out: recently renovated and tastefully decorated; attached garage with potential use as bike workshop; convenient location for school and kids' friends; garden with patio area for barbecues; open view over valley.

This show of financial commitment makes our separation seem a lot more definite and I'm saddened by the idea that our 13 year marriage is all but over. The thought of my children's future step mum keeps popping into my head yet when I try to imagine how I'll feel about her, I draw a blank. I can't seem to picture life that far into the future, then I wonder if that scenario might happen sooner than I'd expected. I wish I could fast forward to that time to find out what my gut feeling would be towards my husband with another woman. By then though, it might be too late. Like many men, Pots isn't one to sit around moping over a woman. Once he's made the decision to move on, that's exactly what he'll do.

I know I'm being naive believing that we may remain good friends. We have always had and still have a strong friendship, however, although that is a good basis for a successful marriage, I fear it is not enough. He's a red blooded male and I love him enough to provide him with an escape route from a sexless relationship. I can't promise that my sexual desire for him will ever return and I feel I've kept him waiting long enough already. He calls it 'throwing the baby out with the bath water', him being the baby and the bath water representing my issues.

I'd hoped that, with Lee withdrawing himself from my life, I'd have more time to concentrate my thoughts and actions on saving my own marriage yet I've felt so devoid of any emotion, I've hardly even had the inclination to try. The mental torture suffered over the last 4 years has beaten me down so far that I have no fighting spirit left. You could say that my inquisitive nature was the catalyst to it all. My almost obsessive need to know. My being 'obsessed by another bloke'.........' brain washed'...........'taken for a fool'. The actions I took to satisfy my curiosity caused so much damage. By talking secretly to Lee, I destroyed Pots' trust in me; confiding in my Internet 'friend' put my loyalty to my husband in question; the ad I placed on Gumtree to find out Lee's true identity made me look like a stalker, as did the phone call to his office when I finally tracked him down.

The consequences of my curiosity have been tragic. Lee often boasted that he knew 'how to press my buttons' but the question is, did he really intend to deploy the one marked 'destroy marital bliss'? When I look back at jealous comments he made in the early days, I do wonder.

I trusted Lee intimately which was quite a big deal for me. To have that thrown back at me was soul destroying and killed off a huge part of my trusting nature. When I consider the compromising positions I put myself in for him, I feel sick with shame and stupidity. It all adds to the overwhelming guilt I live with each day. All nails in the coffin of my former, happy life.