WTF? It's Friday!

Most people look forward to the weekend, but my Friday Feeling is one of dread. I do look forward to my Saturday morning lie-in, unless I'm on football duty. Those mornings I have to substitute the warm, snugly duvet for an hour and a half on the side-lines of THE coldest football pitch- ever. Even a sausage and egg McMuffin doesn't warm me up.

When I'm playing 'Football Mum', it's because Dad is at work. The joys of running your own business, eh? He's supposed to work one Saturday in 3, but by the time you take out weekends when he's on holiday, (stag weekends, golf trips, skiing with the lads, motorsport jollies oh, and family holidays) he ends up working at least every other week.

Not that I'm complaining. It allows me a few extra hours of time when I don't need to rebuff his advances; time when I can lock the bathroom door and enjoy some thinking time in the tub. If I lie with my ears just under the water and my nose being tickled by the ginger scented bubbles, I can sometimes imagine that I am far, far away. Inevitably though, the sound of rowing children on the other side of the door penetrates the watery barrier, and I am brought straight back to reality. Mr S will be home in an hour, which means I must concentrate on not letting my face betray my feelings until Monday morning.

This weekend has been more difficult than usual. On Friday night, whilst he was partaking in the weekly male bonding session at the local, I was home, working on some marketing ideas for his latest business venture. One idea involved accessing his Facebook account in order to create a page for the new product. Obviously, I had a little peek at his messages while I was there. I mean, how many women can honestly say they wouldn't have been tempted?

They say curiosity killed the cat but thankfully, due to my allergy, we don't have any feline friends. The sight of a volley of messages, between him and a woman he has never mentioned to me, (but knows well enough to invite to lunch) did however mean that there'd be one less pussy to stroke. Mine.

A few years ago, I'd have felt sick to the stomach reading those words, but strangely, I experienced a mixture of annoyance (at his hypocrisy) , relief/envy (that he was getting some tangible attention from someone), and sadness. I feel sad that my children are going to lose regular close contact with their dad because I have pushed him away.

For the three years since the catalyst, we've managed to live fairly harmoniously. Neither of us have ever been big on arguments. I'm too stubborn and unapologetic when I'm being shouted at or feel I'm being condescended. Mr S knows that it's best to allow me some alone time to calm down and reflect and, because of his patience, we can resolve our differences or discuss issues, typically with composure and rationality, frequently with a few tears from me.

Lots of things make me cry, but the puffy-eyed, red-nosed, happy-pill popping image isn't one I like to share. Only select members of my family and true friends know the sadness that lies beneath the facade of the perfect marriage. The ones I trust are those who know of my virtual infidelity but do not tar me with its brush. Judgemental types are hard to bear at the best of times, particularly if they're of the hypocritical variety.

Perhaps the thought of being judged as a selfish mother has stopped me from packing my bags and taking the kids to live in a pokey flat. Or being judged as a selfish wife for forcing my husband out of his home and away from his children. Staying together has been easier but is it the best long term solution?

My parents leave soon to go travelling for a month, leaving an empty house. After this weekend, I'm more certain than ever that 4 weeks apart will give my husband and me chance to discover whether 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', or familiarity has indeed been breeding contempt between us.