Paranoia

'a mental condition characterised by delusions of persecution or exaggerated self-importance....it may be a characteristic of chronic personality disorder or of drug abuse.'

The effects of years of 'puffing' have finally caught up with Lee. I can't exclusively blame the weed for giving him delusions of self importance, as I think I may have had a part to play in that. The years of attention I afforded him, often at the expense of my own family, were no doubt instrumental in making him feel important.

There was a time when receiving messages from me made him 'go all tingly' (his words) but now, it seems, they leave him feeling persecuted; so much so, that he feels the need to warn mutual friends about me.

I had to smile at the irony when I learned that, predictably, I'm being described as some sort of nutter. He may have convinced his wife that he's been the victim of a 'bunny boiler' but, thankfully, the friend in question has a better insight into my mental state.

I shouldn't be surprised that Lee twisted the truth to appease his wife as he had a knack of dreaming up excuses to get himself off the hook but I'm slightly concerned that he still feels the need to apportion to me, any blame for the shit that's going on in his life.

Insomnia

The children were sleeping soundly in the next room. Her husband was beside her, snoring. She'd managed to spurn his alcohol fuelled advances earlier but knew it would only be a matter of hours before he'd be waking her with his blood engorged penis pressing into her back. She cringed at the thought.

Gone were the days when any physical affection he showed made her feel loved. These days she avoided intimacy wherever possible. On the rare occasions she did let him in, she willed the whole process to be over as quickly as possible. She couldn't look him in the eyes as she was too afraid of what she would see. She'd sensed for a long time that his heart wasn't in it, and now, with every thrust, she too wished she was in the arms of someone else. Someone who would make her feel happy and fulfilled.

She tried to remember the feelings of love and contentment she'd experienced when she first met her husband, but as his nasal reverberations echoed around the room, all she could feel was resentment and a sense repugnance at the sight of him lying next to her. He expected her to make an effort with her appearance yet seemed content to let his own deteriorate. With his growing beer belly and receding hairline, he was becoming more like his father every day.

His family background had caused her to have a few reservations before they got married but he'd convinced her that they were the dysfunctional ones, not him. She didn't mind that he wasn't close to his mum as she'd dated men who were and always felt like she was second best. He'd convinced her that his dad's promiscuity and disregard for family values weren't hereditary. He'd lied.

As she lay in the darkness, thinking about the way things had turned out, she felt cheated. On her wedding day she'd never imagined their marriage to have ended up like this. If it weren't for the children, she feared it would have been over long ago. The pressure of being the main breadwinner was taking its toll and she was acutely aware that her daughter was picking up on the tension between her parents. More often than not, they struggled to share a civil word. Sometimes it was easier not to talk at all as, when they did, a spiteful slanging match often ensued.

He'd threatened to leave several times, and in many ways, she wished he'd had the conviction to follow it through. Her friend had pointed out that she may actually be better off claiming working tax credits than relying on her husband's meagre contribution to the family finances. It was risible to think that once, they had planned on emigrating to sunnier climes. Rather than sitting on a nice little nest egg, they were up to their eyes in debt - not that that stopped him from booking a weekend away with the boys.

She'd agreed to let him go only because she didn't want to be seen as the demanding wife. She knew his mates disliked her and the feeling was mutual. She trusted them as little as her own husband. For 2 days she'd tried to stop herself imagining their sordid acts of drunken debauchery while the words 'what happens on tour, stays on tour' echoed through her mind. He may not have been the best looking man she'd ever been with, but she'd experienced how he used his charm and humour to woo her into bed. It was amazing how resourceful he could be when sexual conquest was his aim. Not that there was any sexual chemistry between them these days.

The last time she'd had any carnal urges was when they were trying for their second child. She'd hoped that another baby would bring them closer but her plan had failed. The added work and responsibilities only succeeded in pushing them further apart.

She was tired but couldn't sleep. Tired of her life and how it had turned out. Tomorrow, she resolved, she was going to make some changes......................

The Game

So, Christmas is over for another year. The season of goodwill has come to an end and it comes as no surprise that the festive greetings extended to Lee were not reciprocated.

I know enough about him now not to take this shun personally. I am just one in a long line of old acquaintances that he has been forced to forget.

Had I known his reputation for being a liar and a flirt, perhaps I would have been better prepared for the games he played with me. Had I read "The Game" by Neil Strauss I may have been wiser to the techniques he employed to reel me in; I'd have known that the profile I created, stating that I was happily married and not looking for extra marital 'fun', only served to make him more determined to break me. He liked a challenge.

The fact that I was hundreds of miles away helped him avoid temptation and made it less likely for his cover to be blown. Embarrassingly for him, I like a challenge too.

He always claimed he wouldn't meet as he was afraid of what might happen. More specifically, he was convinced we would end up in bed together! Perhaps in his mind it was OK to indulge in cyber sex, but meeting in person was a step too far. Strange how a hand posted invitation to his office weakened his resolve. It would have been nice to think that our rendezvous was agreed to for my sake, but I am well aware that his sudden change of heart was purely a means of damage limitation on his part.

I'm sure the game was fun for him whilst he was in a position of power; saying and doing exactly what he liked without any repercussions; proving his mojo; having his ego massaged. I wonder how he achieves that now. No doubt there are plenty of other mugs lurking in cyberspace who are filling the void in his life. I don't know who to pity more. Still, no matter what he says to them, there'll always be the cliched get-out clause, "I meant it at the time".

I'd hoped that one day, Lee might have had the courage to say that to my face, but I can see now that he doesn't have the strength of character. He'd rather get his formidable wife to do his dirty work.

The Truth

When you question someone's honesty and their response is 'I don't have to prove anything to you', you can pretty much guarantee that's because they can't substantiate their claims. The following list is not exhaustive:

1. I own a property development company...working on projects (worth between £5ooK and £1 million) all over the UK I sell houses (average value £350K) within a 5 mile radius of my office.
2. I live in a detached house A terraced house
3. I'm not married I got married 2 years ago
4. I live in Harrow Bushey
5. I don't have kids I have a young daughter who is my world
6. My dad's a git he lent me £70k to keep my business afloat
7. My brother's useless he runs a successful business, is happily married and still makes time for friends
8. A pal and I own an apartment in Spain it actually belongs to my in-laws
9. I love you I want you to say it back to me to boost my ego, 'cause my wife rarely does
10. I don't go in for all that religion shit but I'll still have my son circumsized

Some of the above statements were clearly based on opinion, therefore cannot be classed as lies as such. The others however, show how addictive lying can be. Once lie #3 had been told, #1, #4, #5 ,#8 and #9 were inevitable. As well as keeping his identity hidden, they served to hide a certain amount of hypocrisy:

"you shouldn't be chatting to me, you are a married lady....you made vows"

Sure, I vowed that I would love and honour and respect my husband and I'd spent 10 years doing just that, but here was a man, recently married, telling me how I should conduct myself within my marriage. A man who denied the existence of his own spouse in order to justify his unsavoury internet activity. A man so dissatisfied with his lot that he felt the need to big himself up.

Perhaps I was wrong to have embarked on a relationship with him, although I don't remember vowing not to talk to another man after my wedding day. I'd always had male friends and had no intention of relinquishing them, just because I had a 'Mrs' before my name.

My husband knew about 'Lee' because I told him. I didn't tell him everything of course, which is probably just as well given that I did eventually untangle my friend's web of lies. I doubt Mr S would have reacted very favourably to Lee's confessions of what he'd like to do with me. Nor would he have taken to kindly to his suggestion of 'hiring a hit man', so he could have me all to himself.

I guess my being economical with the truth makes me just as guilty as Lee. The difference is, I did it to protect him and my husband's feelings, he lied purely to protect himself.

Boredom: Blog Ratios

I'm acutely aware of of the sudden increase in the frequency of my blogs, and it's got me wondering about the catalyst for this recent splurge.

It would be easy enough to attribute it to Boredom, however that doesn't take into account Frustration, the sibling of Restlessness. I've wrestled lamely with both the former and the latter lately, but managed to keep Frustration in an unyielding head-lock. Up to now that is.

I was brought up to observe manners such as: writing thank-you letters for gifts/hospitality; not talking over/ interrupting people; waiting my turn; respecting others' religion/ sexual orientation/ feelings; holding doors open for people; giving up my seat for the old and infirm.....and it annoys me when others don't follow these basic principles of social etiquette.

Being ignored upsets me most of all. Granted, I'm guilty of this crime myself when it comes to responding to the Inland Revenue, but I'm not stupid enough to think that, by ignoring the letters they send, they'll just forget about me. I also doubt whether the VAT man will take it personally.

Ignorance is bliss....

as they say. If that's the case, I know one ignorant person who must be wallowing in a blissful bed of roses now. Hope he can ignore the thorns.

Mojo

I sometimes wonder, now that I am no longer a 'distraction' in his life, does he still feel the need to prove his mojo in chatrooms or, is the effort he has been putting in at home finally paying off?