Insomnia

The children were sleeping soundly in the next room. Her husband was beside her, snoring. She'd managed to spurn his alcohol fuelled advances earlier but knew it would only be a matter of hours before he'd be waking her with his blood engorged penis pressing into her back. She cringed at the thought.

Gone were the days when any physical affection he showed made her feel loved. These days she avoided intimacy wherever possible. On the rare occasions she did let him in, she willed the whole process to be over as quickly as possible. She couldn't look him in the eyes as she was too afraid of what she would see. She'd sensed for a long time that his heart wasn't in it, and now, with every thrust, she too wished she was in the arms of someone else. Someone who would make her feel happy and fulfilled.

She tried to remember the feelings of love and contentment she'd experienced when she first met her husband, but as his nasal reverberations echoed around the room, all she could feel was resentment and a sense repugnance at the sight of him lying next to her. He expected her to make an effort with her appearance yet seemed content to let his own deteriorate. With his growing beer belly and receding hairline, he was becoming more like his father every day.

His family background had caused her to have a few reservations before they got married but he'd convinced her that they were the dysfunctional ones, not him. She didn't mind that he wasn't close to his mum as she'd dated men who were and always felt like she was second best. He'd convinced her that his dad's promiscuity and disregard for family values weren't hereditary. He'd lied.

As she lay in the darkness, thinking about the way things had turned out, she felt cheated. On her wedding day she'd never imagined their marriage to have ended up like this. If it weren't for the children, she feared it would have been over long ago. The pressure of being the main breadwinner was taking its toll and she was acutely aware that her daughter was picking up on the tension between her parents. More often than not, they struggled to share a civil word. Sometimes it was easier not to talk at all as, when they did, a spiteful slanging match often ensued.

He'd threatened to leave several times, and in many ways, she wished he'd had the conviction to follow it through. Her friend had pointed out that she may actually be better off claiming working tax credits than relying on her husband's meagre contribution to the family finances. It was risible to think that once, they had planned on emigrating to sunnier climes. Rather than sitting on a nice little nest egg, they were up to their eyes in debt - not that that stopped him from booking a weekend away with the boys.

She'd agreed to let him go only because she didn't want to be seen as the demanding wife. She knew his mates disliked her and the feeling was mutual. She trusted them as little as her own husband. For 2 days she'd tried to stop herself imagining their sordid acts of drunken debauchery while the words 'what happens on tour, stays on tour' echoed through her mind. He may not have been the best looking man she'd ever been with, but she'd experienced how he used his charm and humour to woo her into bed. It was amazing how resourceful he could be when sexual conquest was his aim. Not that there was any sexual chemistry between them these days.

The last time she'd had any carnal urges was when they were trying for their second child. She'd hoped that another baby would bring them closer but her plan had failed. The added work and responsibilities only succeeded in pushing them further apart.

She was tired but couldn't sleep. Tired of her life and how it had turned out. Tomorrow, she resolved, she was going to make some changes......................

The Game

So, Christmas is over for another year. The season of goodwill has come to an end and it comes as no surprise that the festive greetings extended to Lee were not reciprocated.

I know enough about him now not to take this shun personally. I am just one in a long line of old acquaintances that he has been forced to forget.

Had I known his reputation for being a liar and a flirt, perhaps I would have been better prepared for the games he played with me. Had I read "The Game" by Neil Strauss I may have been wiser to the techniques he employed to reel me in; I'd have known that the profile I created, stating that I was happily married and not looking for extra marital 'fun', only served to make him more determined to break me. He liked a challenge.

The fact that I was hundreds of miles away helped him avoid temptation and made it less likely for his cover to be blown. Embarrassingly for him, I like a challenge too.

He always claimed he wouldn't meet as he was afraid of what might happen. More specifically, he was convinced we would end up in bed together! Perhaps in his mind it was OK to indulge in cyber sex, but meeting in person was a step too far. Strange how a hand posted invitation to his office weakened his resolve. It would have been nice to think that our rendezvous was agreed to for my sake, but I am well aware that his sudden change of heart was purely a means of damage limitation on his part.

I'm sure the game was fun for him whilst he was in a position of power; saying and doing exactly what he liked without any repercussions; proving his mojo; having his ego massaged. I wonder how he achieves that now. No doubt there are plenty of other mugs lurking in cyberspace who are filling the void in his life. I don't know who to pity more. Still, no matter what he says to them, there'll always be the cliched get-out clause, "I meant it at the time".

I'd hoped that one day, Lee might have had the courage to say that to my face, but I can see now that he doesn't have the strength of character. He'd rather get his formidable wife to do his dirty work.